You, your spouse and your 10-year-old daughter go to a local restaurant for dinner on a busy Friday night, just as you do every Friday night. Once you are settled into the booth, your child needs to go to the rest room. You let her out of the seat and watch as she heads in the designated direction. You and your spouse talk until dinner arrives, when you suddenly realize your daughter isn't back at the table yet. You get up and head toward the rest room to tell her to hurry before her food gets cold. As you enter the rest room you realize she isn't there. To your horror you soon find she isn't anywhere in the restaurant and no one has seen her. Your daughter is gone. The truth is, you may never see her again.

On many occasions, parents have unknowingly sent their children into potentially dangerous situations. Today's world is not like it was when we were children. It isn't safe to let our children walk home from school alone or play in the nearby woods. From baby-sitters to public bathrooms, children can become victimized. Parents today must take every precaution possible to ensure their children's safety and innocence is not compromised in a world that can be less than kind.

We must warn you that the information in this article is disturbing. However, we know it is in the best interest of children, parents and family members of Marion County that we discuss this subject, which can only be described as "ugly." Moms & Dads Magazine is committed to raising the bar in Marion County when it comes to protecting our children. With April being Child Abuse Prevention Month, we decided it was time talk about the subject nightmares are made ofЙ

The Sexual Predator
Who is the Sexual Predator? It was once believed he was the "dirty old man" lurking near neighborhood elementary schools, skulking around in dark alleys, loitering at video arcades or hiding behind bushes as children innocently walked by. Actually, the sexual predator can come from any walk of life, economic background, religion, or race. He could be the guy next door or the nice grandfatherly man down the street. He roams our streets, lives in our neighborhoods and works at our businesses. These are the adults in our world whose sexual preference is children. They tend to operate in broad daylight, work in respectable professions and volunteer to work with children - making ready access to their prey.

Sexual predators are very clever. They have tried-and-true ways to gain access to children and to disguise their activities from the eyes of other adults. Interestingly enough, their approaches with children are similar to the persuasive sexual approaches adults use with other adults; however, children don't have the wisdom to understand what is happening. The predator pursues his prey with a purpose and will use any method that works.

Typically, predators justify their actions in their own minds. This point is brought to stark light in "The Sexual Exploitation of Children" by Seth Goldstein. The book quotes a spokesman for a national pedophile (child molester) Association: "The majority of the people who are arrested for molesting children have only given in to the child's constant pleadings for sex. The molester can no longer resist the child's advances. He complains that the problem is the law, that the child is prevented from being sexually satisfied, and that the law should be changed." In their self-justification, child molesters blame the children for not resisting their advances. They also blame the parents for not educating their children. Further, they want you to think that pedophilia is just another sexual preference and it is their "right" to have sex with children.

The Game of Obsession
A sexual predator feeds his predatory behavior with fantasies he has created in his mind. Once he creates his personal fantasy, he typically competes with himself in a twisted version of 'practice makes perfect'. The predator makes all the rules and decides when the game is over. It has been said that the sexual predator thinks like the serial killer. A report on child molesters in prisons sheds light on the personalities of these criminals. Dr. Mace Knapp, Nevada State Prison Psychologist reported: "The criminal who seduces or rapes children is different from all other convicts, except for a certain type of killer. The serial killer has the same personality characteristics as the sex offender against children." Knapp added that sex offenders are usually the model prisoners, but that they are highly likely to continue preying on children. The worst case scenario is that they may start murdering their victims to avoid returning to prison." (Source: "Pedophiles: America's Most Dangerous Criminals" by Ernest Allen, President of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children). With both types of criminals, the focus is the game of obsession - drawing a line and diligently working toward getting their prey to cross that line. Once the line has been crossed, the game advances to the next level.

How The Game Begins
Sexual predators prey on a child's innocence. They feed on the thrill of violating trust. Their aim is simple: to capture the victim. Predators are child oriented, almost to the point of obsession. They spend their time watching children, talking to them, and evaluating the child's psyche - digging deep into the mind of the child. The child's every move is watched and their feelings are observed with great care. As the predator learns each mood of the child, he begins to look for what activates the change and will use his knowledge to play upon emotions.

Predators typically play their game slowly at first - befriending the child, playing with them, getting to know them. When the chance arrives to advance the game, they make calculated moves. Each step is carefully planned to draw the child closer so that they can gain trust, reinforce it, and then ultimately violate that trust.

The child's ability to protect himself is tested by the predator. He does this slowly by telling jokes, engaging in horseplay, giving back rubs, kissing or even mild sexual games. If the child appears comfortable with or curious about this type of behavior, the offender will increase the type of touching to include more direct sexual touching. The predator finds a way to enter into a relationship with his prey while luring children in the direction they have planned for the game.

Seth Goldstein makes a direct comparison between stalking prey and the seduction of children. "The offender, once he has targeted a child, will track down and methodically approach the child and begin to work on seducing him. All the while performing actions that appear, on the surface, to be normal. When in actuality he is introducing the child to sexuality."

Methods and Styles of Seduction
Following are methods and styles of seduction commonly used by child abductors and molesters. The list comes from "The Sexual Exploitation of Children". (Note: This book is used by child abuse investigators across the country and is considered the foremost textbook on this topic.)

1. Affection and Attention
   For the most part, a child is seduced in the same way as one adult seduces another. The offender takes him places, buys him things, impresses the child with his own personality, makes the child feel loved and indebted to him, then becomes physical with the child. It starts subtly - by holding hands, placing an arm over the shoulder, or putting a hand in the lap - then graduates to more explicit conduct.
    
2. Mislabeling the Activity
   Another common method of seducing the child is to misrepresent what the offender is actually doing. This is often done by tricking the child into performing a sex act or by using a legitimate activity to achieve physical contact with the child, from which the offender derives sexual gratification. In one case, a man who engaged in sexual activities with 8-to-9-year-old boys liked to play a game called "monster," in which he would wrestle with the boys and touch their genitals and other areas. All of this was accomplished without the child realizing what was actually going on. From this kind of activity, the offender graduates to more blatant touching. After the child feels more comfortable with the idea of the offender breaking the barrier of their "personal space," the offender will advance to sexual play. Another common ploy is to tell the child that the activity is being done is for a purpose other than the real one. For example, a young child was seduced into posing for photographs when he was told that the offender was taking pictures for publication in medical journals that would assist doctors in teaching others about sex.
    
3. Misrepresentation of Moral Values
   Possessing little experience or knowledge, the child is often easily convinced that what the offender wants to do is an acceptable activity. The molesters frequently display pornography or sexually explicit materials for children to "discover" accidentally. Sometimes, offenders specifically share these materials with the child. Many children who have been violated were shown films that are either sexually graphic or suggestive. Sometimes, even modern advertising is shown to the child, especially advertising that accents the sexuality of young children.
    
4. Slow/Subtle Exposure to the Concept of Sexual Activity
   By constantly talking about sexual activities in the presence of the child, the offender slowly indoctrinates the child into the world of sex.
    
5. Narcotics and Alcohol
   The use of narcotics and alcohol by the child molester is commonplace. What better way to get a child to a place he wouldn't ordinarily go than to provide him with something he can't ordinarily get? Alcohol is primarily used with older children, however, it is not unusual to see its use with young children.
    
6. Misuse of Authority
   This may take two forms. In the first, the offender takes advantage of his position of authority over the child. For example, a Boy Scout leader told the children in his troop to disrobe while they were on several outings. Over a period of time he graduated from fondling them to orally copulating with them. Each time he told them not to tell anyone. In the second type of misuse of authority, the offender takes advantage of a position of special trust. He represents the activity as acceptable, using his authority, stature and position to convince the child that what he wants is alright.
    
7. Rewards and Bribes
   A very common style of seduction is the use of rewards. Sometimes the child is told in advance what he will receive if he cooperates with the offender. Other times the offender doesn't tell the child until after the act. Soon the child learns that by doing what the offender wants, he can have his own way. The reward may be as elaborate as a car or as simple as an ice cream cone, depending on the circumstances. Children are easily lured into big money by promises to make them Hollywood stars. The hopes of grandeur, and comparisons made by the offender between the child and the child's idols such as Brittany Spears, often make them easy prey.
    
8. Blackmail
   Once the child has been placed in a compromising situation - sexually or otherwise - the offender can obtain some control over the child by threatening exposure. The offender knows that the child feels guilt and shame. The offender also knows that most children in that situation have very little self-esteem or confidence and they feel helpless. A deep concern of many children who have a close relationship with the offender is the fear of being taken away from their families. This threat may be expressed or implied by the offender, or the child may develop this fear on his own.
    
9. Use of Pornography
   Both child and adult pornography is often used by the child molester to seduce the child. In addition to misrepresenting moral standards, the pornography can be used to demonstrate the acts in which the offender wishes to engage. It may also be used to stimulate the child's interest in the depicted activities and lower the child's inhibitions.
    
10. Threats
    Rarely is a threat of harm used to get the child to comply with the act. The only time a threat becomes necessary is to keep the child quiet and participating in what the offender desires. For the most part, threats are made that imply negative consequences for both the victim and the offender if there is disclosure.

Educating Your Child
Keeping children safe is the most important job of any parent. Because you cannot be in all places at all times, you must give your child proper guidelines for steering clear of sexual predators. Children need appropriate guidelines and they need information on how to handle specific situations. If children know in advance how to react, they will have more power on their side to escape any dangerous situations they may encounter.

SIDE BAR

• Make time to talk to your children. Let them know that sexual predators do exist so they understand why you are telling them this. Not everyone is good and not everyone is bad. However, the bad do exist and your child needs to know that. It is important not to scare your child. If this subject is approached as a "fact of life," your child won't be frightened. Parents can help protect their children by teaching them awareness of dangerous people and the lures used to entice children.
   
• Teach children that their bodies are special and private and that they should never let anyone touch them inappropriately. They must learn to never undress in front of anyone until they are old enough to do it for themselves.
   
• Your children should know to tell you immediately if someone asks them to undress, tries to undress them, touches them or tries to touch their private parts.
   
• You child should get plenty of positive attention at home. Spend time with your child. Know your child's individual personality traits, habits and mood swings.
   
• Teach your children to never give out personal information to strangers. This may be difficult for kids to understand because they often must give information to teachers, police officers or paramedics. To help them understand the difference, create pretend scenarios and ask them if they should or should not give information.
   
• Always let your children know that if someone ever took them away from you, you would not stop looking until you found them. Don't assume your child knows this. Abductors often convince children that their parents don't want them so the children won't attempt to contact family members.
   
• Always keep current files on your children: recent photos, physical descriptions, extra curricular activities, friend's names/addresses/ phone numbers, finger prints, dental and medical records. Parents should carry child identification at all times. Always make a mental note of what your child is wearing.
   
• Be cautious when you select someone to care for your children. Meet them and check their references. If your children must be left alone, explain the proper way to answer the telephone and the door in your absence.
   
• Teach young children their full name and yours; phone number with area code; and address with zip code. They should know how to make local and long distance calls; use a pay phone; call home and law enforcement departments; and dial "0" for the operator or 911 in an emergency.
   
• Be sure your child knows what to do if you are separated while shopping or in a theme park. They should not look for you; they should go to the nearest clerk and ask for help.
   
• Explain the concept of "stranger" and let children know that they should never enter a stranger's home, get into their car, or take gifts from them.
   
• Explain when a child has the right to say NO to an adult. Parents, be aware of anyone who pays an unusual amount of attention to your
  children. Always listen to your children if they don't want to be left alone with someone.
   
• As a family, choose a family code word and instruct your children never to go with anyone who does not know the code word. Change the code frequently.